


SPN Coda 15x02 - "Raising Hell"

by heylittleangel



Series: Supernatural Codas - Season 15 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Separation, almost a break-up if you will, established Destiel, spn coda, suffering!Castiel, suffering!Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 19:46:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21082100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: Hey peeps, how are you? So, we had one Destiel scene that was worth the whole episode, huh? I have to say, this one wasn't as good as the first one to me and it was a little hard to watch it. This coda didn't end up being a happy one as I thought it would, but I still like it and I hope you like it too.





	SPN Coda 15x02 - "Raising Hell"

**Author's Note:**

> Hey peeps, how are you? So, we had one Destiel scene that was worth the whole episode, huh? I have to say, this one wasn't as good as the first one to me and it was a little hard to watch it. This coda didn't end up being a happy one as I thought it would, but I still like it and I hope you like it too.

Castiel sighs as he walks away, the others’ voices getting carried away by the wind, not quite getting to him. He knows he should stay and talk to them, find a way to stop the souls that are getting out of Hell, but he can’t; not at the moment. He feels weaker than before, his grace not quite replenishing as it should, and he feels  _ exhausted _ , in a way he has never felt before. He can sense there’s something wrong with him, even though it’s not him per se.

He walks to one of the trees nearby, almost dropping to the floor, back resting against it. He folds his legs, placing his arms on his knees and taking a deep breath. Castiel closes his eyes, head resting against the tree behind him, and he tries to focus on his grace, understand what is wrong with it. He can feel it weaker and fighting to keep itself intact, but it seems like it doesn’t have enough force, as if it doesn’t have enough fuel. Castiel doesn’t understand it because it’s different from when he used stolen grace to keep living; back then, he could feel the grace burning out every time he used it or even when he wasn’t, it would just burn away without being able to replenish. This time, though, it isn’t burning out but it doesn’t have enough strength to maintain itself anyway, it’s just weak, almost useless in a sense.

Castiel tries to use his grace, even if it’s just to make the lapel of his trenchcoat move, but nothing happens. He sighs in disappointment and opens his eyes. He stares at his hands, not quite knowing what to do with them, the sinking feeling inside of him making everything a thousand times worse. Castiel loses track of time as he stares at his hands, not listening to anything that’s happening around him.

Sometime later—is it minutes or hours already?—, Castiel hears footsteps and a shadow appears in front of him, making him raise his eyes to look at the person; Dean. Castiel sighs, lowering his eyes again, hoping it will make Dean go away. Obviously, it doesn’t and Castiel isn’t surprised. Dean sits by his side, far enough not to be touching Castiel but not enough for Castiel not to think about personal space.

They stay in silence for a while, Castiel keeping his focus in anything that isn’t Dean, playing with a strand of his trenchcoat. He catches Dean looking at him sometimes, mouth open to say something, but Dean ends up giving up and turning away again. Castiel’s actually happy that Dean doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t have anything to say and he doesn’t even know  _ what _ he could say. And it’s not like Dean’s actually been open for conversations anyway.

A few minutes later, Dean finally breaks the silence, “Cas, I—”

“Dean, please,” Castiel cuts him. “I’m not in the mood to fight right now. I… I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everything.”

“I don’t… I’m not here to fight, Cas.” Dean’s shoulders slump when he turns to face Cas. “I’m just stressed and I’m dumping all of it on you when you have stuff to be stressed over too. I-I—”

“Dean,” Castiel shakes his head, “you don’t need to say anything. I think you’ve said enough to let me know what you think. There’s no reason for you to pretend otherwise.”

Dean frowns, mouth hanging open as Castiel turns to face the grass. He stretches his legs, placing his hands on his thighs and taking a deep breath. Dean seems to give up on a conversation after that, pulling the grass out of its roots and cutting it into tiny pieces with his fingers, repeating it every time he doesn’t have any grass to cut. Castiel looks around, seeing Sam and Rowena talking a little farther away, Sam gesticulating a lot while Rowena seems to stare at him with a very serious expression. Castiel has no idea what they could be talking about but it doesn’t seem good.

He also sees the demon walking around the edges of the dome from the spell, hands buried in the pockets of the jacket. Castiel can’t even look at him for long, even though it and Jack are nothing alike if it wasn’t for the same body. He moves his eyes away to stare at the ground again, another sigh coming through his mouth,

“Cas?” Dean tries again. Castiel ends up turning his head to face Dean, movements slow and tired. Dean gulps and licks his lips before trying again, “I’m sorry, Cas, I-I, I know I was a dick to you, I just wish you had told me the truth before.”

“You would have blamed me anyway, Dean.” Castiel tries to keep his voice soft but there’s an edge of hurt and anger in it. “Can’t you see it? We always end up here, no matter what. You may forgive me after but, no matter what, you always end up blaming me and I’m tired of it, Dean, I really am.”

Dean shakes his head, voice desperate, “No, Cas, I’m not blaming you, not anymore. Chuck’s the only one that needs to be blamed, not you or Sam or… or me. We were only peons on Chuck’s game. Everything was just a show to him.”

Castiel chuckles humourlessly, shaking his head. “You still choose to believe that everything was a lie, Dean. Do you think  _ we _ are a lie, Dean? Does it make you feel better about us? That it’s not your choice, that you can still pretend you’re straight or something like it? That everything we’ve been through doesn’t mean anything? Everything we’ve accomplished was for nothing?”

Dean’s expression changes to hurt but Castiel can’t make himself care; he’s hurting too. He lost his son, his beliefs and everything he thought was right, and now he’s losing the only good thing he has in the middle of everything and there’s absolutely nothing he can do about it.

He moves his face to look away again, feeling his eyes watering. He refuses to let himself cry, trying to take steady breaths to calm himself. Dean doesn’t say anything but Castiel can feel the weight of his gaze on him. He knows he isn’t being easy or helping with the tension between them, but Castiel’s tired of always being the one that is blamed, of always being the one to say sorry and bend his head. He doesn’t want it anymore, especially with everything he has lost in a matter of days.

Castiel’s about to push himself up when Dean’s hand stops him. He turns his head to face Dean, heart shattering when he sees the broken and hurt expression Dean has. He sits again, Dean’s hand resting on top of his own, and stares into Dean’s eyes. Dean opens and closes his mouth a few times, lip quivering as he thinks. Castiel turns his hand to hold Dean’s, thumb running across the back of Dean’s hand.

Dean takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them. “I-I don’t think we’re a lie, Cas. I just… I don’t know  _ what _ to think, to be honest. How the hell do I know this isn’t Chuck too? That we’re only together because  _ he _ wants us to be?”

“Then you still think we’re a lie, Dean. You don’t believe everything we fought for, everything we have been through together to get where we are today is true, that it was just Chuck, but I don’t. I choose to believe that we’ve become what we are by our own choices and only them. I wish I could let you see and feel what I do so you can know what this all means to me and how I can believe we are real, but I cand. And I… I don’t think I can be okay with you believing otherwise. I can’t even deal with is right now. I love you, Dean, I’ve always loved you and I always will, but you don’t seem to love me; not anymore.”

Dean shakes his head fastly. “O-of course I-I love you, Cas, how can you even think otherwise?”

Castiel’s eyes soften as he puts his other hand on Dean’s cheek. “Because that is the only thing you’re showing to me. Ever since Michael, you shut me off and you’ve never let me in again. And now, you don’t believe that we’re together because we love each other, but because Chuck wanted us to. You don’t believe we are real.”

Dean places his hand on top of Castiel’s, lowering his eyes as a single tear runs down his face. Castiel pulls him closer, placing a soft kiss on Dean’s lips.

“I’m sorry, Dean, but I-I don’t think I can do this right now. I love you but I… I can’t, not when you don’t believe in us. I’m so sorry.”

Castiel takes his hands from Dean’s and stands up. Dean doesn’t try to stop him, eyes still low and tears running down his cheek. Castiel walks away without another look, cleaning the one tear that insisted on falling. 

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me about the episode on [ tumblr ](https://gii-heylittleangel.tumblr.com)!


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